FEAR!!!

In my lifetime I have lived in so much subconscious fear and upheaval. I used to run my entire life on nothing but fear, confusion and chaos yet it set me up in motion of self defense, extreme anger, rage and most of all frustration for feeling like I was never good enough and I was grossly misunderstood.  Having, said that I ended up self harming myself and masking the extreme amount of pain that I was nearly evading from you, yet most importantly myself.  I remember so many nights out on the track as we called it back in the day where I was motivated by fear for my pimp put a quota on me every night that it was impearative to get his money. I wish I could say that I was clean in my business dealings, however I can't say that.
If the truth be told I grew a strong resentment, bitterness and downright hatred for men.  I had a gift for picking up men who had the bank role and I got my money one way or another. I didn't even care if I ripped them off. I remember one night that I superceded my quota and I was rewarded for it by getting extra attention and drugs from my pimp. I at the time felt like I was just it and so special yet I was in so much turmoil within myself and I tried to take my life again.  I ended up shooting up so much meth that I started to go into a convulsion and of course my pimp didn't even care so he shocked me back by carrying me into the tub of nothing but cold water. Somehow it brought me out of it. 
In that kind of business I ended up sacrificing a high price for I sold my heart and soul and my mind was fried when I finally got out. I weighed 87 pounds and I had contracted hepatitis c and I quite frankly didn't care nor was I capable of it. I almost got murdered by a couple of customers before so at the end death didn't even bother me.  I walked through so much that I was totally desensitized and disenfranchised with life itself.  I have a favorite verse in Psalms 23:4 and it goes like this; Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,  I will fear no evil for you are with me: your rod and staff they comfort me. 
That scripture is quite fitting for me for I have been through hell and the very dark moments and I had no conception of fear and back then I used drugs and sex as my rod and staff and I have been out of the life of drugs and prostitution for going on twelve years yet I still was seeking something more than what I was looking for.  Since I have been saved I have God to comfort me and I will tell you that I am so much more out of bandage than I was and I was preserved for a purpose and that was to get saved and to make a difference in someone's life. I know that if you are in a dark place that I can tell you that I have found my craving and that is only through the Power of Redemption and the Lord Jesus Christ! As I always say Do Not give up five minutes before the miracle happens for the God that I serve does shift things around.

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